CityLife

We like to see suffering (a bit)

MANY of you last weekend would have been sickened by the 'horrific' injury sustained by Eduardo, an Arsenal player, during a match against Birmingham City.

If you haven't heard about it, it probably means you are probably one of those people who has 'better things to do with your time' than get embroiled in the comings and goings of our National Sport.

Don't be so smug about it if you are - it is not a badge of honour - not liking something doesn't mean you are better than everyone else or have a higher calling in life, you just don't like something. It's like those people who don't have televisions.

Smug pointless beings that like to talk about not having the goggle box more than normal people actually talk about what was on the television last night.

There was always one kid in school whose family didn't believe in television because it would corrupt their minds.

I think you'll find the chances of the very same people being involved in cultish religions, naturist weekends or orienteering being very high. Weirdos.

You make your own minds up, but put it this way, there is no off switch when you are naked, chanting mantras and getting lost in the Peak District is there?

The second group of people who won't have heard of the events at Birmingham's St Andrews ground last weekend are the super squeamish.

The lily-livered who can't even scramble eggs because its just yucky, or won't enter a cinema before the U-rated film they have carefully chosen starts in case they see a trailer for a movie that may contain mild peril.

Their friends will have rallied round and prevented them even hearing about the way Eduardo's ankle was at an unnatural angle and that he broke both his bones in about eight places.

I may have just undone all their well intended scurrying. It was, to be fair, horrible. Nasty, sick and I defy anyone not to feel a tad nauseous. So it was with great relief that Sky television, that great arbiter of taste, decided almost immediately, that we weren't to see the actual moment of injury again because it would be too upsetting for more sensitive viewers.

I presume by that they mean the younger ones who may be watching the game on a Saturday lunchtime. I can't see the logic in that, to be truthful, my 11-year-old loves nothing more than a bit of gore to lighten the mood.

Skateboard

I've had to stop him from watching too many skateboard home movies on the Internet, the ones where they fall off that is.

It seems to be about 99.9 per cent of these skateboarding clips involve some woolly-hatted, middle-class 14-year-old bouncing head first onto the town hall steps.

It's not surprising, in my experience, I have yet to see a 'trick' attempted and executed with aplomb by anyone of these wheeled adolescent rapscallions on the streets of Manchester.

Why do you think shows like You've Been Framed are so popular?

It's because, deep down inside, most of us enjoy a spot of schadenfreude of a Saturday teatime.

A little light suffering enjoyed by someone who isn't known to us makes us feel better about our pain-free lives. People sit there thinking: "I'm not having the best weekend I've ever had but at least I haven't just ruined the chances of having more kids by ill-advisedly attempting to drunkenly tip-toe along a damp log over a pond."

The interesting thing about Sky Sports' decision not to re-show the tackle in question (the only thing they haven't repeated in slow motion from 83 angles - ever) got me thinking.

Surely there must be other things we can demand our broadcasters don't put us through on the grounds that we find it unpleasant?

For a start a lot of news items are slightly unpalatable, let us ditch them and just do the cute skateboarding duck bits usually tagged on at the end in a last ditch attempt by Sir Trevor so you don't associate ITN with rape, murder and famine.

Lets dump costume drama, The Bill and the Vicar Of Dibley while we are at it.

Why? I find them horrific. I personally am not a fan of Noel Edmonds, though the show he does with the boxes is mildly entertaining.

Can we pixellate him out on the grounds of horrific-ness? Deal?