CityLife

My mid-life survival guide

IT'S my birthday in a couple of weeks, and I feel it's a crucial one. Go on; take a look at that weird picture of me and guess how old I am. The picture that looks like a) I'm constipated, or b) I'm thinking really hard, or, more likely, c) I'm thinking really hard what constipated is? Like it's something I've never experienced.

Had your guess? Twenty six? Why, thank you. I am in fact nearly 37.

Crucial age 37 is. It marks the end of your mid-30s, you're now definitely in your late-30s, hurtling, receding hairline and all, to the big one - 40.

I don't care what anybody says about 40 being the new 30, or "life begins .." and any of that old crap. If you are over 40 you can't do certain things. You can't pretend you are too young to settle down. You can't put off getting that first job from university. Crucially, you can't just go anywhere in town for a few sherbets with the lads from work.

You may as well get you life in order - that's what I've been doing. I've drawn up four definitive lists for the nearly middle-aged man about town.

Things I now know I will never do:

Play professional sport - even bowls is beyond me.

Work in "the city" and shout "buy, buy, sell".

Wear leather trousers - to be honest, that is more due to girth and self-awareness than age.

Things I'm glad I won't have to do again:

Memorise a false date of birth to get into licensed premises.

Be concerned that I may get a "knock back" at any licensed premises.

Queue to get in a licensed premises - if you want my dough - open the door.

Things I expect to experience in the near future:

Hair loss from head equating to exactly the amount growing from my nose and ears.

Having my own chair in the lounge.

Checking my prostate. I'm not exactly sure how you do that? Can you do it online?

Things I'm quite upset about not doing anymore:

Watching a pop video without turning into my dad and moaning "it's just noise".

Err that's it - I'm going to enjoy it, fill up on Werther's and stick Last Of The Summer Wine on, I'm good for the next 40 years.